A note on the memorial for Dr. Esmail Meisami (Essie)

On May 5^th, 2013, my wife and I attended a memorial for our friend Essie at the Hiller Highlands Country Club in Oakland, California.  Mona Reilly, Dr. Meisami’s daughter, organized a beautiful and memorable event.  Several of Mona’s friends helped her with organization.  Some of Essie’s family members provided food, and several of Essie’s friends provided generous funds to cover the cost of the event.  More than sixty people attended the memorial, including several colleagues/former graduate students from the Institute of Biochemistry and Biophysics (IBB):  Dr. Mohsen Gorgani, Dr. Farhad Shafa, Dr. Mahtash Mousavi, and Dr. Rouhi Safaei.

Speakers at the memorial included Mona, along with her four-year-old daughter, Mariam, who made some introductory remarks and thanked everyone for coming; Dr. Julie Scott Meisami, Essie’s ex-wife and Mona’s mother; Abdollah Khalili, Essie’s cousin; Dr. Sara Georing, a former graduate student at the University of Illinois, Dr. Mohsen Gorgani, a friend and colleague from IBB; and myself.  The following is a part of what I said at the memorial: (videos of 2 speeches available at the end of this post)

Dr. Esmail Meisami (our Essie) was my best friend, my distinguished colleague at IBB, a dear friend to my family, and a sweet uncle to our daughters, Samira and Sarah. He was our own Amoo Essie.  Essie enjoyed a good laugh. He told jokes, and he loved to hear jokes.  I am sure that many of you have received emails from him containing all kinds of jokes.  I was going to go through the thousands of emails that I received from him and select a few good ones for today but I ran out of time.  Today I remembered the following two jokes, and I ask your forgiveness for my poor delivery:

#1

A husband and wife are at the county fair, and they reach the section on animal husbandry. They see a nice bull, and the sign next to him reads that this bull mated 50 times last year.  The wife elbows the husband and says,” This is almost once a week!”  In the next stall, they see the second bull with a sign saying that this bull mated 150 times last year.  The wife elbows the husband harder and says, “This is almost three times a week!”  Finally they see the third bull with a sign saying that this bull mated 350 times last year.  This time the wife elbows the husband very hard and says, “This is almost once a day!”  The husband, in real pain, tells his wife go and ask the bull if he did it with the same partner.

#2

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, government health care, the real estate debacle, the federal deficit, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, global warming, my credit card debt…  So I called the Suicide Hot Line.  I got a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited, and I could hear them cheering on the other end of the line.  Then they asked if I could drive a truck.

But now I would like to get to some more serious matters.  Many friends, colleagues, and former students have asked me to convey their condolences to Essie’s family and friends and their apologies for not being able to attend the memorial.  I ‘ll just mention a few names and beg forgiveness from those whose names I missed:  Dr. Lisa Djavadi; Dr. Ferydoun Djavadi, Dr. Parviz Sabour; Dr. Khashayar Javaherian; Dr. Youssef Hatefi; Dr. Farrokh Modabber; Dr. Tahereh Rahmani; Dr. Pezeshkpoor Mostachfi; Dr. Homa Mostachfi; Dr. Esmail Hoseiny Shokrai; Dr. Khashayar Karimian; Dr. Shahin Ahmadian; Dr. Gagik Sarkissian; Dr. Mahnaz Moradi; Dr. Masoud Askari; Dr. Iraj Ganjian; Dr. Shirin Manouchehri; Dr. Firouz Jahaniaval; Dr. Farshad Girakhoo; Dr. Nozar Sachinvala; Dr. Latif Safari; Dr. Mahmoud Ghaffari; Dr. Parvaneh Nourjah; Dr. Elaheh Nooshinfar; Dr. Nahid Razi; Hedayat Jafari, Hussein and Mahin Ahvari; Mahin Barati; Frouzandeh Jalilvand; Batoul Asadi; and Dr. Nasrin Haamedi.

I met Essie in 1971.   The University of Tehran had hired him six months before I returned home.  One day when I had gone to the university to inquire about the decision of the executive committee of the Biology Department regarding my appointment, Essie invited me to tea.  We walked through the campus to Shahreza Street and went to a café next to Cinema Diamond.  Over a glass of tea and a Danish pastry we talked about our research at the University of California (he had been at Berkeley and I had been at Davis) and our goals for our future research and teaching at the University of Tehran.  We also talked about our families.  I learned that, like me, he had an American wife, Julie, who at the time was teaching at the National University.  I remember going home that day very excited about meeting Essie and telling my wife Ellen that I think we are going to have new friends for life!

After I received the sad news of Essie’s death I could not control myself, and I was crying a lot.  I thought if I sat by my computer and wrote something it might calm me down.  Here is what I wrote on January 28th:

It has been a sad week.  Our friend’s daughter called to let my wife and me know that her father Essie died in Champagne-Urbana.  We cried on the phone.  We could not control ourselves. We could not comfort Mona on the other end of the line.

It has been a sad week.  I prepared an email and sent it to more than 40 people, our mutual colleagues, friends and former students.  The email contained the basics: who our friend was, where he got his BA and Ph.D., the institutions of higher learning where he taught, the laboratories he built, a mention of the numerous scientific papers and books he published, and a sample of his students’ comments expressing why he was the greatest, the most friendly, and the most helpful professor they have ever had.

It has been a sad week.  I cried aloud and in silence.  I could not help myself.  How could I not think about a loss of the man who has been my friend for more than 42 years?  We participated in building a new institution together.  We wrote the biology textbooks for Iranian high school students together.  We went on a sabbatical leave together.  Our children grew up together. Our wives were closest friends.  We witnessed a revolution together, we got mamnoo olkhorooj (exit prohibited) together, and we reluctantly left our country together to adopt another country.

It has been a sad week.  The recipients of the sad news were calling and emailing me, expressing their shock and sorrow.  I did not know how to stop thinking about Essie.  I turned on my computer and loaded a chess database and started playing over the games of earlier world champions like Botvinnic, Tal, Spassky, and Bobby Fischer, the American champion, who ended the domination of the Russians.   For a while, this was a good distraction.  Then, I remembered that at one time, when Essie was introducing me to a new friend, he mentioned that I also played chess.  My thoughts left the chessboard, and Essie appeared again

It has been a sad week.  I told myself I should go to the garden and weed. Weeding has always been therapeutic for me.  I don’t bring a radio or an iPod to the garden. I immerse myself totally into the task of weeding and let my thoughts travel anywhere and everywhere they want to go.  There are always lots of weeds in the garden.  Winter weeds, summer weeds, annual weeds, perennial weeds, and plants that are not weeds but, because of being unwanted in a certain location, become weeds by definition.

It has been a sad week.  As I got busy weeding, a nagging question crept in.  Why is my vocabulary so limited when it comes to consoling people in grief?  Is my vocabulary really limited or is it that I do not want to use certain phrases?  I know that I would never say, “may God bless his soul,” or “may God protect you and your family.” Basically, I do not want to use the word God and any supernatural force to help us at the time of grief.   But I know that my friend was a great human being, and in spite of all the obstacles in his way, he worked very hard to help people and make them a little happier.

It has been a sad week.  I am calming down a little.  Admiration is slowly replacing my emotions.  I know that I will never forget Essie because he was my decent and loving friend.

Ali Estilai

see The gallery of the life of Essie Meisami

 

Speech by Dr. Ali Estilai

 

Speech by Julie Meisami